A satirical conversation about “Free
health care.”
Conservative: “How does that work?
Wouldn't we have to enslave doctors and compel them to provide a
service for free?”
Liberal: “No silly, the government
pays the doctors.”
C: “Where does the government get the
money?”
L: “Tax dollars, it's not really
free.”
C: “Exactly!”
L: “No, its free to you. This is why
we need to tax the rich more, they should pay their fair share.”
C: “Really? So, we should enslave
rich people so we can get free-to-us health care?”
L: “Hey, I didn't say anything about
enslaving the rich. They need to pay their fair share!”
C: “What would be a fair share? Maybe
make them pay the exact same percentage of a much larger income?
Fifteen percent of 30,000 is 4,500. Fifteen percent of 1,000,000 is
150,000.”
L: “We're talking about health care
and already you're trying to sneak in your crazy flat tax ideas.”
C: “I didn't invent the idea, but I
do like it a lot. Fine, that is a separate discussion. Back to health
care. If I lived a particularly reckless life, consuming lots of free
medical care, and refused to work, limiting my tax liability.
Wouldn't that place an undue drain on the system?”
L: “We'll force you to pay your fair
share with health insurance premiums, by compelling you to sign up.”
C: “Do you have any concept of what
the word free means? Seriously, are we speaking the same English?
What if I honestly can't afford the premium? Doesn't this mean I have
to pay the government for the privilege of living?”
L: “No, it's just like owning a car.
And, we'll have tax breaks for the poor. The overall costs will be
lower. And medical care will be free.”
C: “I don't have to purchase
insurance to own a car, only to drive the car on government roads. If
I live close enough to a town I don't even need a car. Tax breaks?
We're back to a possibility for people to game the system, by
refusing to work, making themselves poor. Living dangerously using
lots of medicine. And, hospitals give you food and a bed for the
night if you're hurt badly enough.”
L: “Are you saying people are only
poor because they choose to be?”
C: “Certainly not. I was asking about
a particular type of fraud. And, what about that fraud?”
L: “We'll have investigators for
that.”
C: “Tell me, if we pay doctors, we
pay the factory workers who produce medical equipment. And the
medicines too. We even pay the brilliant people who invent new
medical stuff to let them continue being brilliant medical inventors.
We give tax breaks to the poor. And create some new branch of fraud
investigators. How do we reduce the cost of health care?”
L: “Stopping fraud more than pays for
itself! We'll create an administrative committee to develop realistic
solutions to problems as they arise. We'll only put smart,
trustworthy people on the committee. They'll work out inefficiency.
They'll make sure only people who can afford it pay, and they'll
eliminate waist and redundancy. Basically, corporate fat cats get cut
out of the picture.”
C: “I'm glad we avoided death panels.
Unless, the committee is wrong about a fraud case and someone dies.
Or, one of their solutions doesn't work as planned and someone dies.
Or, some committee member isn't as trustworthy and plays favorites
and someone dies. Or, they get bribed or otherwise extorted to off
someone. Or, they decide an expensive breast cancer drug doesn't
increase your chances of survival enough for its cost and therefore
is inefficient and someone dies. Or, they make mistakes about who can
really afford it and fail to save any money after all. Or, they
decide keeping grandma alive waists too much money and someone dies.
Or, they decide a doctor prescribed double dose is redundant and
someone dies. Or, you really, really don't like corporate fat cats
and some die.”
L: “Those are extreme scenarios,
you're being ridiculous.”
C: “They could never happen, right?
The breast cancer scenario is already happening, I don't know if
someone has died because of it, yet. But that seems inevitable.”
L: “Wow, your being so negative!”
C: “Does this thing come with a death
panel or not?”
L: “Certainly not!”
C: “Than how does it cut costs?”
L: “The committee, duh!”
C: “So, I'm supposed to trust these
committee members with nearly unlimited power over my medical
decisions, to never make even simple human error? And, isn't that an
aspect of slavery? Didn't slave owners exercise such power over their
slaves?”
L: “Why are you so obsessed with
slavery?”
C: “Why is it slavery when a private
citizen has unlimited power over a person, but not if the government
has the same power?”
L: “The Government is supposed to
have power over people.”
C: “I thought the constitution said
the power of government is granted by the people.”
L: “You are not a constitutional
lawyer, so how would you know?”
C: “I can read. But we've gotten off
topic again, it seems everything is tied into health care somehow.
So, how does this health care plan work again?”
L: “Magic!”
C: “I thought so. You should have
started with that.”
